I am appalled to announce that I have been spending my time on a most shameful and wretched endeavor. I have currently been squandering it on an addiction – an addiction to what I term as a man-show. A completely masculine, competitive, vehicle-related show about boys and their silly obsession with speed, power, exorbitantly priced, impractical, shiny new toys. A show that gratifies the unattainable fantasies of the inner man; a show that applauds materialism and superficiality in its celebration of outward appearances (never mind its actual capability).
I’m talking about TopGear. The show is freaking hilarious.
I’ve never laughed so hard since The Office! Put together the dry, caustic British wit with a few big strapping men doing the silliest things, pitting sports cars against public transport in a race across the world to see who gets to the finishing line first, bickering and cursing in a typical obnoxious English manner, and you get one seriously damn funny show. Yes I have to admit they might not be the most attractive to look at, but they are fabulous, ESPECIALLY the one I affectionately call ‘tubbyman’. (You can guess which one.)
A commentary about cars, but really all wrapped up in a comedy.
If you hear someone guffawing in the middle of the night, it’s probably me getting my dose of British humour.
Go check it out, it’s brilliant!
On a separate note, you know you’re exposing yourself to way too many British shows and novels in one sitting when you start saying words like brilliant and fantastic.
Some lines that made me snort green tea up my nostrils –
Kiera Knightly is just a lightning bolt with a face.
Sarah Jessica Parker looks like a boiled horse.
Here put some of this [aftershave] on, you might be able to lose your virginity then.
It’s not really a car, it’s a complete animal! You don’t really drive this car, you cling on for dear life!
I am hooked.
We Tivo Top Gear every week and are completely hooked also! The show is brilliant! My DH is a Brit and I am bilingual as I use many British expressions, too. Sometimes I forgot that the Yanks ’round haven’t a bloody clue to as what I’m jabbering on about!
haha very nice use of the British expressions! nobody really watches this show (or know of its existence) over here in Singapore, such a pity!
actually, i watch it on youtube from time to time too.. though i watch it more often for the cars.
Hello, dancingredheels -
this is the equivalent of throwing a message in a bottle into the ocean except, in this case, one sort of knows who’s eventually going to receive it, (even if one doesn’t really know the person at all).
Anyway, I hope this message serves to give you a completely unexpected pleasant surprise – a rare enough event in the modern world, I think..
You don’t know me – but you know (a very little piece of) my work! OK, enough intrigue! …
While Googling, I ended up reading how much you like BBC TV’s ‘Top Gear’ – which is good, because I write for it. Here’s one of my lines I wrote for the Tall Presenter (Jeremy Clarkson):
“Sarah Jessica Parker looks like a boiled horse.”
Yes – all my own work. I’m a freelance comedy/satire writer, and I just worked on the last series of TG – series 11. Jeremy writes his script, and I just chip in the occasional line. You can see my name whizz past in the credits (I’m ‘Script Consultant’)
My main writing is on long-running topical/satirical BBC TV news quiz ‘Have
The guy you like best (Tubby) is James May, and the little one is Richard Hammond (‘Hamster’, like the littler rodent!) – he nealy died a couple of years back, when he crashed a rocket car for the show at something like 200 mph (i DON’T DO METRIC!)
Ged,
Glad to hear that you don’t write all of JC’s script since I didn’t like it when he made a disparaging ‘ginger’ remark about a member of the audience’s looks.
I wonder how many people know that (according to a photo printed in a daily newspaper, not long after that episode was broadcast) as a boy, JC was indeed a redhead!
As you may have gathered. I share your looks and sometimes have to articulate my preference for a more kindly reference to my locks.
A test for your memory; we never did keep in touch and write that book did we?
Hello, dancingredheels -
Sorry for that last bit of garbage. I’m apparently at e-mailing. I’ll pick up where I left off …
My main writing is on long-running topical/satirical BBC TV news quiz ‘Have I Got News For You’, which has been screened for 18 years – I’ve done 11 of them! If you like dry British humour, you’ll love this – I guarantee it. TG’s Jeremy has hosted and guested on it a few times – that’s where we met, and why he asked me to join in and help script TG. I do a few other shows, TV and radio, and magazines as well.
The TG Presenter you like best (Tubby) is James May (nickname ‘Captain Slow’), and the little one is Richard Hammond (’Hamster’, like the rodent!) – he nearly died a couple of years back, when he crashed a rocket car for the show at something like 200 mph (I don’t do metric!) He almost had permanent brain damage, but is back to about 99% his old self. He wanted the crash shown on the programme, which it duly was.
They are absolutely great guys, exactly as they are on screen. They’ve all recently done books and other shows, and JC is somewhat of a controversial newspaper columnist, very un-PC, but tongue-in-cheek with it.
Oh, you misheard another of J’s TG lines: you thought he said: ‘Keira Knightley is a lightning bolt with a face’ – it was actually ‘an IRONING-BOARD with a face’ – i.e. something flat and featureless, with skinny legs. (That long flat thing you iron clothes on, in case the concept doesn’t translate! ;-) )
Anyway, I just wrote to thank you for your kind comments about TG – check out YouTube, there’s lots of clips – they do amazing races, road tests etc., and the production values on the show are STAGGERINGLY GOOD, even by British TV’s reasonably high standards. The camerawork and editing are beautiful. Award-winning, in fact. TG earns the BBC a lot of money, as it’s the most-exported TV show the BBC produces. It’s also the world’s most bootlegged TV show!
And there’s a new series starting in October.
And the funniest thing is, I don’t even know how to drive! Jeremy, a true petrol-head, was speechless when I first told him.
OK, message-in-a-bottle duly flung seawards.
Best wishes from the ether …
(Oh, and for what it’s worth, I think ‘Joy Desiree Fang’ is an INCREDIBLE name!)
Kind regards,
Ged
(and I sincerely hope you don’t mind a complete stranger cluttering up your blog!)
My jaw is dropping as I am replying this – wow it is such an honour! A tremendous surprise it is; very very amazing that you found your way here. And also, very interesting that you google your own work, haha.
This show is fantastic, and it must be such fun to be a part of it. I presume you must be very funny in person to be a comedic writer! And though I know nothing about cars, yes I can at least tell that the camera work is pretty good. Heh. Definitely will check out the show you recommended, my friends and I adore British wit.
‘Tubby’ to me is actually Jeremy, and 90% of why i watch the show is because I want to listen to him deliver those deadpan shots. 10% is just because Hammond is cute. AND oooh sorry for that mistake on the lines!
Not sure if you’ll be popping by again, and might I say clutter away, because people don’t clutter my blog nearly enough (hint). Anyway, it was really awesome to hear from you and to get a little perspective from someone who actually works in the show itself. Thanks so much for your little message in the bottle, it certainly made my day! Continue the great work in providing us those laughs that we need ya?
sorry – I meant to say ‘I’m rubbish at e-mailing’ – but I missed out the word ‘rubbish’, thereby proving exactly how rubbish I am.
Ooh, quick return – I’m flattered.
Weird time on your reply – I’m dimly aware that the Netherlands isn’t 5 hours ahead?! Are you elsewhere?
Yes, Jeremy is a bit tubby (I’m tubbier, though – but I’ve got much better hair! – even if it is auburn, red, or whatever you want to call it – but NOT ‘ginger’!)
Jeremy is also 6 foot 5 inches tall – he’s huge. I’m 6′ 1″. Hammond is a dinky little thing, about 5’6″. James is about 5′ 11″. I’ve never put so much height into a message before.
Er, did *you* make that weird brown/pink icon thing appear on my comment – it’s nothing to do with me! What is it?
Best,
Ged
(PS – I’m on Facebook – the Ged Parsons with the German Expressionist film star photo as my profile pic!)
Ah, looks like you’ve been editing! Please feel free to edit my input, so as to make me look less of an idiot! In fact, would you? Thanks – pefectionist, you see.
Don’t apologise for mishearing the lines – I just wanted you to know what the funnier version was (though Keira as a skinny ‘lightning bolt’ is a pretty good, metaphysical-poetry sort of image!)
Ciao!
(That’s because I’m half-Italian, but look more Scottish/Irish/ Scandinavian, red hair, green/blue eyes sort of thing!)
G
WOW you gave an even quicker reply, and you’re the famous writer here so i am honoured beyond belief. haha.
Ah I’m from Singapore! If you’ve even heard about it. It’s a little dot in South East Asia. Netherlands was just a little graduation trip I took 2 months back along with Paris, London and Berlin (and certainly took my time blogging about it).
Hahaha so you wouldn’t mind really if I call you ‘tubbier’ from now on then? But thank the heavens you have better hair than Jeremy. And actually, Singaporeans go by meters and centimeters so I had no idea what all those height numbers mean. But good effort. Heh.
That icon thingie is a random picture of the commenter given by wordpress, for those who do not have an account – I have NO idea what it is!
I’ll add you on facebook soon – And it’s really fun talking to you! And no I don’t edit other people’s comments, that would be so rude! You don’t sound like an idiot at all =)
Hello, again!
I’d hate you to think I have a rampant eGo-oogle thing, but I was really just checking hits for ‘boiled horse’, because a friend told me quite a few people had picked up on it.
Of course I know Singapore – not visited there, though.
Some metrically-converted heights for you …
Jeremy – 1.96 m (!)
James – 1.82 m
Richard – 1.66 m
Oh, and me – 1.85 m
And just a quick glimpse into the characters of the sort of guys we’re talking about … this is from Wikipedia:
“On 22 July 2007, during severe flooding, Richard Hammond left his Porsche 911 – in which he had been stuck in traffic for 13 hours – to run home in time for his daughter Willow’s fourth birthday. He ran 16 miles (25 km) in two-and-a-half hours (from 3am to 5:30 am), arriving home before his daughter woke up.”
Ahh …
Best wishes,
G
Oh, and is that icon-thing possibly a slightly sinister-looking sheep, staring out fixedly, and resting its chin on its interlocked fingers (which sheep don’t actually have)?
G
Hello! So do you really think SJP looks like a mangled horse? Because I’m quite a fan of Sex and the City and her character in it, unfortunately. Don’t worry, I’m not gonna run after you with a chain saw. haha.
You should come to Singapore! It has very British-friendly roads, seeing as how we nipped your road rules for our own.
WOW you guys are all very tall! Not including Richard though, I’m just a tad shorter than him, ha! But that’s a very cool story of him, to do that for his daughter is so sweet. And having to run 25km is just crazy stuff – guess cars can’t do everything.
No matter how I squinted and exercised my brain, I could not see how that brownish patch looked like an evil sheep. haha! This is turning out to be like cloud interpretation. I see a brown teddy with blue arms and a pink brain protruding on top. Morbid, we are.
[...] this post – TopGear is fabulous – for the surreal comments made by him and the starstruck ones made by [...]
Hi! I was surfing and found your blog post… nice! I love your blog. :) Cheers! Sandra. R.
hi! thanks for your comments, sandra :)